A little humour



  • Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Switzerland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.

    “These,” she explained, “are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.” She then asked, “What do you do in America with your old goats?

    One elderly man said "they send us on bus tours.



  • @SSmith1226 Or they run for President.



  • Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.

    His buddies at the club are all aghast. At their very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?” Bob replied, “Girlfriend? She's my wife!” They’re knocked over, but continue to ask: “So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?” “I lied about my age,” Bob replied. “What? Did you tell her you were only 50?”
    Bob smiled and said, “No, I told her I was 90.”



  • An old man who loves to fish was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say: “Pick me up.”
    He looked around and couldn’t see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again: “Pick me up.”
    He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
    The man said: “Are you talking to me?”
    The frog said: “Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I’ll then give you more sexual pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of.”
    The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
    Then the frog said: “What, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had.”
    He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said: “Nah, at my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”



  • A young man wanting to earn some extra money decided to hire himself out as a handy man and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood. He went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for him to do.
    “Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,” the owner said. “How much will you charge me?”
    The man quickly responded: “How about $50?”
    The owner agreed and told him that the paint and everything he would need were in the garage.

    The man’s wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband: “Does he realise that our porch goes all the way around the house?”
    The husband shrugged and went off on his way. A short time later, the man came to the door to collect his money.
    “You’re finished already?” the husband asked.
    “Yes,” the man replied, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”
    Impressed, the owner reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to him.
    “And by the way,” the man added, “it’s not a Porch, it’s a Lexus.”


  • Global Moderator

    @SSmith1226 said in A little humour:

    A young man wanting to earn some extra money decided to hire himself out as a handy man and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood. He went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for him to do.
    “Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,” the owner said. “How much will you charge me?”
    The man quickly responded: “How about $50?”
    The owner agreed and told him that the paint and everything he would need were in the garage.

    The man’s wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband: “Does he realise that our porch goes all the way around the house?”
    The husband shrugged and went off on his way. A short time later, the man came to the door to collect his money.
    “You’re finished already?” the husband asked.
    “Yes,” the man replied, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”
    Impressed, the owner reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to him.
    “And by the way,” the man added, “it’s not a Porch, it’s a Lexus.”

    STEVE!!!



  • I bought a Christmas tree today. The salesman asked if I was putting it up myself. I said, "No, in the living room."



  • I told my psychiatrist that I had been hearing voices. He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.


  • Global Moderator

    Why does one talk to oneself? - You always get an expert opinion!


  • Global Moderator

    What'sa the advantage of being schizophrenic? - You're never alone.


  • Global Moderator

    A parson is on a trip in a yacht when a gale comes up and sinks the boat. As he's swimming around far from land, a boat approaches. He refuses to be hauled aboard, saying, "The Lord will rescue me."
    An hour later, a helicopter hovers above him. The rescue diver wants to get him into the basket, but he refuses with the words, "The Lord will save me."
    Finally, he can swim no more. Sinking, he reproaches the Lord, "Oh Lord, why didn't you save me?"
    And he gets an answer, "You numbskull, who did you think sent the boat and the chopper? See you in a moment!"


  • Global Moderator

    I'm posting this with a heavy heart...
    As much as I love trumpets, cornets, flugelhorns, mouthpieces, mutes and everything that comes with them... it is taking up too much of my time. I am struggling to keep up with the everyday basics of cleaning and cooking and maintaining my home, so something has to give. I will be getting rid of my collection.
    Below is a list of what's available. Serious inquiries only, and please don't insult me with low offers.
    Thanks for reading and understanding...

    1. Dustpan and broom, as new
    2. Sponges, with patina
    3. Toilet spray, full
    4. Mop and bucket, as new
    5. Window cleaner, hardly ever used
    6. Vacuum
    7. Dishwashing liquid
    8. Laundry detergent
    9. Fabric softener
    10. Laundry baskets
    11. Toilet brush, vintage
    12. Cleaning sprays
    13. Wife thrown in

    (stolen from Jerry Ringo)



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  • I was trying to set up a competitive hide and seek tournament.
    I eventually had to quit!!
    Good players are hard to find!!



  • Unfortunately, the much anticipated fight between Dracula and Superman will not take place this evening. Superman won't go near the crypt tonight.



  • One of the entertainers on a cruise ship was a magician. Since the passengers were different each week, the magician always had a new audience so he always did the same tricks.
    The captain’s parrot, however, was stationed in the performance hall and observed the magicians tricks week after week. Being a wise old bird, he eventually figured out all the magician’s secrets.
    Then, irritatingly, he started heckling during the show. “Hey, why is every card the same? It’s in his cape pocket! It’s a different rabbit!”
    The magician was fuming, but it was the captain’s parrot so he couldn’t really do anything.
    One terrible day, however, the ship had a boiler explosion and sank. The magician wound up on a small raft in the middle of the Atlantic with, as luck would have it, the captain’s parrot.
    They glared at each other with visible hatred but didn’t say a word. This went on for several days.
    Finally on the tenth day, the parrot couldn’t take it any longer. Exasperated, he said: “Okay, I give up. Where’s the ship?”



  • Speaking of birds.

    Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Where do they go?

    Wonder no more ! ! !
    It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

    If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

    The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: "Freeze a jolly good fellow." "Freeze a jolly good fellow."



  • Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

    Because they lactose!



  • @Tobylou8 said in A little humour:

    Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

    Because they lactose!

    THAT is what I call milking a pun!


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