Best posts made by SSmith1226
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RE: A little humour
@Tobylou8 said in A little humour:
A gas station owner was trying to increase his sales; So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up." Soon a local pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The guy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time." A week later, the same guy, along with his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time." As they were driving away, the guy said to his brother, "I think that game is rigged, and he doesn't really give away free sex." Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."
A Scotsman, an Englishman, and an Irishman are sitting in a pub in America and the Scott says, "As good as this pub is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink." "Well," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two." "Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs to a private room and see that you gets some real fun, all on the house!" The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. Then the Englishman asked, "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not to me, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
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RE: A little humour
This may be very timely. My wife insists that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I find shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:
Dear Mrs. Smith:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Smith, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
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June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
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July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
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July 7: Censored
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July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
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August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
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August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
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August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
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August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
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September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
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September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
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October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
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October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
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October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
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October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!' -
Censored
And last, but not least:
- October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
If anyone else is offended please pm me or email me and I will remove what offends you.
Thanks.
Steve Smith
SSmith1226@aol.com -
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RE: A little humour
The Hotel Bill
The lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 85th birthday by staying overnight in an expensive hotel.
When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $450.00.
She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth $450.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast."
The clerk told her that $450.00 is the 'standard rate,' so she insisted on speaking to the manager.
The manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, informed the woman, "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."
"But I didn't use them," she said.
''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the manager.
He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here," the manager said.
"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the manager replied.
No matter what amenity the manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the manager countered with his standard response.
After several minutes’ discussion with the manager unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check, and gave it to him.
The manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But madam, this check is for only $50.00."
"That's correct. I charged you $400.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaimed the very surprised manager.
"Well, too bad. I was here, and you could have." -
RE: A little humour
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At their very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?” Bob replied, “Girlfriend? She's my wife!” They’re knocked over, but continue to ask: “So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?” “I lied about my age,” Bob replied. “What? Did you tell her you were only 50?”
Bob smiled and said, “No, I told her I was 90.” -
RE: A little humour
An old man who loves to fish was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say: “Pick me up.”
He looked around and couldn’t see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again: “Pick me up.”
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said: “Are you talking to me?”
The frog said: “Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I’ll then give you more sexual pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of.”
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said: “What, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had.”
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said: “Nah, at my age I’d rather have a talking frog.” -
RE: A little humour
A young man wanting to earn some extra money decided to hire himself out as a handy man and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood. He went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for him to do.
“Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,” the owner said. “How much will you charge me?”
The man quickly responded: “How about $50?”
The owner agreed and told him that the paint and everything he would need were in the garage.The man’s wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband: “Does he realise that our porch goes all the way around the house?”
The husband shrugged and went off on his way. A short time later, the man came to the door to collect his money.
“You’re finished already?” the husband asked.
“Yes,” the man replied, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”
Impressed, the owner reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to him.
“And by the way,” the man added, “it’s not a Porch, it’s a Lexus.” -
RE: A little humour
An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said: “I don’t think you understand, I want something very special.”
So the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. “Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000,” the jeweller said.
The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said: “We’ll take it.”
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque. “I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,” he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweller phoned the old man and said: “There’s no money in that account.”
“I know,” said the old man. “But can you imagine the weekend I had?” -
RE: A little humour
A woman in Birmingham calls her daughter in New York a day before Christmas Eve and says: “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your father and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough.”
“Mom, what are you talking about?” the daughter screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the mother says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so can you call your brother in Los Angeles and tell him.”
Frantically, the sister calls her brother who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they’re getting divorced!” he shouts. “I’ll take care of this!”He calls Birmingham immediately and says to his mother: “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there.”
“I’m calling my sister back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The woman hangs up his phone and turns to her husband.
“Problem Solved! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way.” -
RE: A little humour
Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he’s finished all three, he goes back to the bar and orders three more.
“You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it,” he says. “Your pints would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
Patrick replies: “Well now, I have two brothers, one is in America and the other in Australia and here I am in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we all drank together.”
The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.
Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way, ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished. One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says: “I don’t want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.”Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh. “Oh no,” he says, “Everyone is fine! It’s me … I’ve quit drinking!”
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RE: A little humour
A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands and gazing out at the Loch.
They sat in silence for several minutes before the girl looked at the boy.
“A penny for your thoughts, Angus,” she said.
“Well, I was thinking. Perhaps it’s about time for a wee kiss,” he replied.
The girl blushed but gave Angus a kiss on his cheek.
The two then turned back to the Loch and continued to sit in silence again.
“Another penny for your thoughts, Angus,” the girl said.
Angus thought for a moment or two and looked concerned.
“Well, my thoughts are a bit more serious this time,” he finally replied.“Really?” the girl asked. “Why?”
“Do you think it’s about time you paid me that first penny?”
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RE: How about a "Random Meaningless Image...let's see them string"?
If Ansel had an iPhone, he would have never had to get out of his car. He could have taken his photos like I did behind the wheel, and through the windshield, on the Florida Turnpike, with one hand.
Key Largo Sunset along US 1:
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RE: A little humour
A man goes into a bar and asks the bartender, “If I show you the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen will you let me drink for free tonight?” The bartender says, “Let me see and I’ll consider it.”
So the man reaches into his bag and pulls out a miniature piano and a hamster. The hamster sits in front of the piano and starts playing, and not just chopsticks but Chopin, some ragtime and even some rock’n’roll.
After a few minutes the bartender says “Okay, I’m impressed, you can drink for free.” As the bartender is pouring the man a drink the man says, “Hey, if I show you something even more amazing will you let me drink for free for a month?”
The bartender says, “Okay, but this had better be spectacular.” So the man reaches into his bag and pulls out a microphone and a frog. The frog sits in front of the microphone and begins singing along with the hamster playing the piano.
The bartender says, “Okay, you can drink here for free for a month.”
Another customer at the end of the bar has been watching. He walks over and says, “I’m a theater producer and I’d like to buy that frog and put him in a show. Will you sell it to me for $500?” The man says no, so the producer offers to buy the frog for $5000, and the man agrees.
As the producer leaves with the frog the bartender says, “I can’t believe you sold the frog! It was worth more.” “Not really” the man says, “The hamster is a ventriloquist.”
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RE: How about a "Random Meaningless Image...let's see them string"?
This is a perfect site to post this photo. We all have thought of using a Crown Royal bag as a mute. Now you can repurpose all those Crown Royal bags that you collected and not as of yet found an application to use as a mute.
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Turning Guns into Trumpets
I bet that you didn’t know that you could turn guns into trumpets. Here is how it is done:
New Orleans trumpeter Shamarr Allen wanted to find a way to get guns out of kids' hands, so he turned to what he knows best: music. He recently created a gun-for-trumpet exchange program — called Trumpet Is My Weapon — and has so far collected four guns that he turned over to police.
"I had some trumpets lying around, and I know for me, the trumpet saved me," he says.
Allen, who's from the city's Lower Ninth Ward, started the program after learning about Devante Bryant, 9, was fatally shot in front of his 7th Ward home earlier this month.
"I have a nine-year-old son, so for me it just hit me different," Allen says.
So he posted on social media: "To all the youth in New Orleans, Bring me a gun and I'll give you a trumpet no questions asked."
Allen says it is important to him that the kids who come to his exchange feel safe.
"I wanted to build a relationship and trust with the kids so that they wouldn't have to worry about getting in any trouble," he says....
If you are interested the full story and a recorded intervirw can be found at the following site.